Pete Pages: Parenting with bribes and rewards

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Parenting with bribes and rewards

When Rob was in grad school he studied a book for one of his MBA classes called, "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn.

We really liked and agreed with the concepts in the book, and had lengthy discussions about how rewards can end up "punishing" children because in the end the child will focus on the reward instead of learning whatever it is you want them to learn. Now, at this time in our lives we had one young toddler and were idealistic about our parenting styles and thought that we would never stoop to bribery and other such practices...

Fast forward four years. As I've mentioned in a previous post, we have recently been potty training our three-year-old. As a reward, we have let him choose a little Hershey's kiss (or similar small chocolate or prize) after he goes to the bathroom. This has worked out great to be honest, and we are about to phase this out as it really isn't needed anymore. Burke has felt a little left out of these "rewards" and doesn't understand why he doesn't get a chocolate for going to the bathroom (the boy gets plenty of treats so don't think that he is completely neglected). I've explained to Burke that Hewitt is rewarded because he is doing something that is challenging for him. This gave me an idea for Burke: to reward him for reading chapter books. Burke is a really great reader but has been intimidated by the size of chapter books. Although we would love for him to discover the joy of reading silently without any other reward besides the feeling of accomplishment and enjoying the story, we asked him to suggest a reward for completing chapter books that he reads on his own. He came up with the following:

Suggestion #1: Buy him his own mansion and limousine. (Denied.)
Suggestion #2: Let him live in Disneyland. (Denied.)
Suggestion #3: Decorate our house on the outside to look like a real haunted house. (Denied.)
Suggestion #4: Give him a "free dollar" for each chapter book read. Agreed.

Are we bad parents because we bribe and reward our children from time to time? I sure hope not...and I have a feeling we aren't alone.

6 comments:

The Laundry Queen said...: I remember when Rob read that book! Having gone through our own potty woes with Pen we thought it to be a bit idealistic. Welcome to the dark side! Love Burke's suggestions--they are just so....Burke!; June 22, 2008 at 10:51 PM
Sara and Company said...: Ha ha ha.....I seriously needed that laugh! He totally cracks me up. At least you know that he will always think big growing up and will do amazing things. Until then, good luck! hee hee!; June 22, 2008 at 11:46 PM
Andi said...: I need to bribe myself every now and then... so you can see where I stand on this. :)

I think when it's for a little extra push it can be good. But, for something that should just be expected is another story...

We'd definitely have to come visit if your house became a haunted house. Ooooh, how fun that would be all year round!; June 23, 2008 at 8:41 AM
Colleen said...: Hey Tamsen! I stumbled upon the Pete Pages through Sheralyn's new blog, so I thought I would peek in! You guys sound like you are doing great...and I love what you did with your watch! And as for rewarding behavior...I am all for it! It can get out of hand and then you have the problems addressed by that book you guys liked, but for certain things, like potty training, I think it is GREAT!; June 23, 2008 at 1:45 PM
Heather Ashby said...: I did the same thing. We bribed all three of the girls. A Smartie for #1 chocolate for #2. It works great. On a side note though - my mom bribed my little brother with M&M's and he to this day hates chocolate because of it.

I just had to pay Whitney $5 for keeping her room clean for an entire month. She is such a slob that I thought there was no way she could do it. Out of desperation one day I said I would pay her, she marked it on the calendar and she proved me wrong. Good news is that her room is still clean a week later.; June 23, 2008 at 1:45 PM
Anonymous said...: I remember when Rob read that book, too. In fact I think he sent us all a pdf of one of the chapters, and I printed it out and it is still on my pile of stuff to do on my desk. If you've given up on the principles in it, should I move it to the scrap-paper-for-coloring pile? :); June 24, 2008 at 8:22 PM

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Pete said...

Hewitt was just telling me about a new game he created where you can't touch the ball with your hands or feet. He said, "You can only hit the ball with your leg or foot-wrist." And so I clarified, "You mean your ankle?"
(10/8/09)

Me to Hewitt: Whatcha doin?
Hewitt: Arting. It's making art.
(10/2/09; Hewitt's 5th b-day)

Two jokes by Burke:
What does a storm wear?
Thunderwear!

What do you call King Kong's feet?
Big Foot!
(9/26/09)

I had the following conversation with Tosh:
Me: Are you a boy or a girl?
T: Boy
Me: Is Livvy a boy or a girl?
T: Baby
Me: Yes, but is Baby Liv a boy or a girl?
T: Girl
Me: Is Daddy a boy or a girl?
T: Big boy
Me: Is Mommy a boy or a girl?
T: Mommy a babe!
(Not prompted, I promise! 9/3/09)

Hewitt had set up a bunch of toy figures and Tosh was trying to play with them... Hewitt was telling Tosh not to touch them and I asked him to share the toys or to go and get some more figures for Tosh to play with. Hewitt said, "These are not toys! They are art!" (9/3/09)

We were driving along a road near our house (a rather quiet highway, really) and Hewitt suddenly exclaimed, "Mom! I just found the road to our old house! Keep driving straight!" I looked up and realized there were some big mountains in the FAR distance. Hewitt clearly thought he was staring at Utah. (8/28/09)

Hewitt brought home a little "Groundhog's Day" craft that he had made at preschool and kept calling the groundhog a bear. When I tried to tell him it was really a groundhog he looked at me like I was very silly and said, "It's a BEAR Mom, not a CORNDOG!" (2/2/09)

I explained to Burke about the recent airplane crash into the Hudson River and knowing that he would be very concerned, I quickly told him that all of the passengers were just fine. He looked at me with a worried look and said, "What about the birds? Are they okay?" (1/15/09)

I have a trunk full of old performing costumes from when I was a kid. Hewitt saw the trunk in the basement and told Rob that he wanted to open up the "treasure chest." Rob asked him if he knew what was in the trunk/chest and Hewitt replied that it was full of clothes. When Rob told Hewitt that he didn't want him to make a big mess Hewitt said, "I won't make a mess, I will just get out one clo." I guess that "clo" would be the singular form of clothes... (1/13/09)

Burke is always mentioning how he wants us to have lots more babies because he wants "hundreds" of brothers and sisters. I was explaining to him this morning about how it gets harder and more dangerous to have babies as a woman gets older...he looked at me and said, "Well, you look young Mom, like 19!" Then he leaned in closer and said, "Well, I do see some indents in your skin around your eyes (those would be wrinkles--thanks for noticing)." (12/26/08)

Hewitt blew his nose and must have accidentally gotten some snot or tissue in his mouth because he said, "Yuck! That tastes like cow dung!" (12/24/08)

Tosh got to Hewitt's cup of water at the table today and dumped it all over Hewitt's lap and onto the floor. Rob asked Hewitt, "Are you a little wet?" and he said, "I'm a BIG wet!" (12/24/08)

Rob was playing "Memory" with the boys and when Burke got a few matches in a row Hewitt said, "Wow Burkie, you're on fire!" (11/08)

We just bought some sod for our park strip and while Burke and I were looking at the pallet, I mentioned that some of the pieces looked like crabgrass and that we needed to find the best pieces of grass to buy. Burke looked at the sod for a little while and said, "None of it looks like crap grass to me!"

While I was flossing Burke's teeth he said, "Wait--I need to tell you something." I paused flossing and he said, "You sure know how to be a good mom!" (now there's a treasured compliment!)

Hewitt watched Rob kill a fly in our kitchen and then asked, "Did he cry? Did he want his mommy fly?"

I told Hewitt that I was going to get Tosh a snack and asked if he would like one. He paused and then said, "I'll take a milkshake." What am I, a drive-up window?

Hewitt was asking for toast today and when I pulled out the bread he said, "No, the 'letter O' toast!" I finally figured out that he wanted a toasted english muffin.

Burke came down for breakfast and said, "Mom, it might not look like my bed is made and you might not like it, but it's really stripes that I did as a design on my bed."

Hewitt has really liked eating plain tortillas lately. When I asked him if he wanted one he said, "Oh. Sure. I'll have a mamma mia."

Hewitt understands things very literally. When Rob told him that he "needed to fly" this morning (go to work), Hewitt asked, "Where is the fly? In the house?" When Rob asked him if he had a runny nose he said, "No. It's just boogers."

When Rob was leaving for work he hugged the boys and told them to "be good for Mommy and do exactly what she says." Burke said, "OK bye Dad, you be good at work and do exactly what your boss says."

We were discussing prophets in the scriptures for Family Home Evening and when Rob asked Burke which prophet(s) wrote the Book of Mormon Burke said, "Nephi, Jacob, Enos..." and continued to name the books in order. Rob and I were pretty surprised and couldn't help laughing.

I was just eavesdropping on Hewitt while he was playing with his toys and heard him say, "Ladies and jumpingmen..."

Burke was heading off to a neighbor's house to play and stuck his head back in the door and called, "I'll be traveling by bike."

When the garage door opens for us to drive in, Hewitt will pretend to be scared and say, "Oh no, it's the garage mouth! He's going to eat us!"

Hewitt got distracted and starting playing with his toys during lunch and when I reminded him to please keep eating he said, "But Mommy, I'm working."

Pete Pages

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Parenting with bribes and rewards

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